7 weeks pregnant

Baby size: Brookeesia Mica Chameleon

The last week has been a complete shit show.

I have been in bed 24/7. The nausea has been with me, 24/7. When I’m not nauseous I’ve either just finished puking (I get about a minute’s reprieve) or I’m asleep, the latter of which has been taking up the majority of my time. This is both an involuntary choice, because of the medication, and a voluntary choice, because when I’m awake I have to deal with the horror of being aware of my physical situation. In short, I hate being pregnant. I’m miserable and unhappy and nothing brings me any joy because of how sick I feel, all the fucking time. And to top it all off, I paid for an early scan yesterday and we found out that, based on the size of the foetus, I’m 6 days less pregnant that I thought I was – because I had been counting from the first day of my last period (3 November) but the foetus isn’t developed enough to fit that timeline (I have long and slightly irregular periods – the timing doesn’t really make sense to me but whatever). I just went back and changed all of my blog pictures and intros, so they’re all correct now, but basically what this means is that until yesterday I thought that today I would have been 8 weeks and one day pregnant, not only 7 weeks pregnant.

And yeah, I get that that doesn’t really sound like a massive deal but it actually is when all you can think about is that the waking nightmare your life has become should …. SHOULD … be over within a matter of weeks and then you find out that some twat just added another week onto the end of it. Plus the fact that this now means that my MS started in week 5, which is not as normal as week 6, and that I haven’t yet hit the peak (which I thought I was doing and had mentally prepared myself for), and that this fucking ordeal might not be over until February IF AT ALL.

I cannot explain to anyone who has not been through this already just how awful this feels, but try to imagine, if you will, being that allegorical Mariner, lamenting the uselessness of the water that surrounds him as he slowly dies of thirst, and you’ll be in the right area. Hunger makes the nausea worse, but eating makes me puke. Therefore, I am constantly hungry and constantly sick. And after ringing 111 again and having to go to the hospital, the GP there told me I’m already in ketosis (bad).

The only shining light in any of this is that I have been put onto a new antiemetic called Cyclizine that is already starting to do a good job at stamping down the nausea. It also makes me feel like I have a slight fever, which sounds weird but feels better, so I’ll take it.

I resent this kid so fucking much already.

Here’s a picture. That squid thing floating about is the demon child.

It’s not all whinging though. We announced to the rest of our friends and family over the past week. Our family were given custom-design cards that I commissioned my friend Claire to make, and which turned out really lovely, so that was nice. But it was all bookended by puking so … I think I just feel too mad about everything right now to enjoy even the little things.