8 weeks pregnant

Baby size: pygmy seahorse

I am finally starting to feel somewhat normal. This is because I’m now on my 4th medication and it’s actually managing to quash my nausea and sickness without causing any adverse side effects. The last one was horrible. It completely knocked me out (I was sleeping up to 20 hours a day) and I felt like my brain was unravelling – not only was I still nauseous and dizzy to the point of not being able to stand without retching, but I was having constant nightmares about hurting myself or other people hurting me, and my thoughts were completely disordered and manic but at the same time it felt like my brain was covered in a heavy blanket of fog. It felt like I had no control over my mental faculties. I couldn’t even string a sentence together. The whole experience was incredibly distressing. I was either crying, throwing up or asleep. And I still wasn’t eating! I was already in ketosis and by Saturday just gone I had lost 7lbs (in less than 3 weeks). So on Monday evening, when an out-of-hours GP prescribed me Ondansetron, I really didn’t hold out much hope. But here I am on Tuesday evening, clear headed, sitting up, with a full stomach and enough presence of mind to be able to type out this blog post. Honestly, it feels like a bloody miracle. This is the most normal I’ve felt in 3 weeks. I still can’t walk in a straight line (not sure if the dizziness is due to low blood sugar, low blood pressure or the new pills, or if it’s just an untreatable bit of HG that the pills can’t touch) but I can think and eat and talk to my husband, and I even smiled and laughed today! It’s a miracle!

Monday’s OOO GP only prescribed me 2-days’ worth of the new pills because they’re not the best for use in early pregnancy. There is a very small increased risk of cleft palate in the baby. And when I rang again today to get another prescription, the GP I spoke to this time really put me through the ringer. In quite a condescending way, actually. He even used his own wife as an example of someone who managed to cope with nausea without medication. Um, excuse me? Your wife’s experience is not my experience. I was starting to seriously consider abortion. I don’t say that lightly. I know what that process is like – it’s horrible. And this is a wanted baby. A very wanted baby that we tried a long time for. But that was no way for anyone to exist. I felt like I was trapped in a never-ending nightmare and the thought of being like that for potentially another 7 months was too much to bear. I couldn’t have coped with that. So yes, I will take on the risk and I managed to convince today’s OOO GP to give me an extra 7-days’ worth of medication, with the understanding that I have to speak to my own GP to get more (because some bunghole thinks his anecdotal experience should be used as a prescribing tool). But honestly, I don’t think it’s being selfish considering the alternative. On the previous medications I couldn’t even go to the toilet without retching. How I am right now is so much better. And I have work starting next week! I need to be able to work, or I won’t be able to take any maternity leave.

Anyway, I’m so happy to be sitting up and feeling a bit better. My back and thighs hurt from lying down for so long, so I’m taking it slow in terms of actually getting up and about, but I tidied my office desk today before getting tired and that’s more than I’ve done in 3 weeks so I’m counting it as an achievement. I also did some personal care by filing my fingernails – again, might not sound big, but they needed doing before I started feeling sick so they had gone a bit talon-y. Tomorrow I’m going to take a shower and really scrub my scalp and hair until everything feels squeaky clean because my last few showers have basically just been me sitting in the bath with my eyes shut, holding my sick bowl and crying. And before the end of the week I want to spend 10 minutes in the garden because I feel like I haven’t been out there in months and it’s still quite impressive, even in winter. And I want to spend some time with Errol and hopefully have R move back into our bedroom. He’s been sleeping in the spare room because feeling him move about in the night was waking me up and making me puke more, which then disturbed him. It’s been awful not sharing a bed. We really miss each other!